So this is a great example of how email works well for engaging
another person. I can choose my words carefully and try to sum up a
whole lot as poignantly as possible.
Lisa and I had a great dinner party last night. 8 adults and their 7
kids -singing into our karaoke machine and parents dancing like idiots
with our kids and having some laughs over wine and cocktails on our
deck. These are friendships that are going on toward 20 years now-
great friends that still get my very best efforts for filling their
stomachs on a random Thursday night. I grilled two whole chickens on
my "beer can" roaster rack and slow cooked pork ribs in a huge dutch
oven all day and finished them on the grill. Every time I make either
of these two dishes people leave realizing they have never had much
better. The bummer is that I bet you didn't know that my grilling and
cooking talent is exceptional.
There are quite a few things you don't know about me. Did you know
that in high school football, there was not one person on the team
that wanted to go head to head against me? I'm just a small guy
really, but they said it "stung" when I hit them them. All I know is
that it was the only place to legally put every ounce of my body and
being into an act of such destruction toward another human. I
remember getting called out by a coach during my junior year and the
first week of pads with my new team when I transferred high schools -
after the third divorce. The coach stopped the play and asked in a
booming yell "WHO HIT Byrne!!???!??" I didn't answer. "WHO HIT
BYRNE???!" I thought I was going to get in trouble for sending the
starting senior running onto his back about five yards behind the line of scrimmage. It was also
the day after my mom and I had a heated argument that ended with me
staying at a friends house. Leaving wasn't something I had ever done
before -not like this. But I put all the aggression regarding my
family situation into that hit, and most of the other hits that were
notable in my career. I can't imagine having a son and not wanting to
somehow get a tape of him playing football or watch him get awarded
Valentine's Prince or the myriad of other things that are good. I
can't imagine not being there for him when he needs a friend- when
things aren't "good". I can't imagine talking to him in his growing
up years and not trying to find some excuse to see him, even if it's
just a VHS tape from a random Friday night game. I have spent the
majority of my life without any real family that is staying or
lasting. I have no brothers, no real cousins and that is what it is.
So when I see some time in my schedule and stupidly offer to spend it
with a dad who I have softened my heart toward in my later years and
get rejected... well it makes me want to put some football pads on.
My friendships are lasting because I care about others. But I have
learned to be okay with letting friendships go if they are unhealthy.
Why I still reach out to you is a question I need to keep wrestling
with.
I need to get better at being able to just let you go too, in a way I
guess- let you live in your world of not knowing how cool your son
really is, and somehow not take it personally. I have a few friends
who had dads die early in their childhood. I wonder if that is easier
to live with than the rejection time after time. I had thought I had
forgiven you for being disinterested in my life when I was younger. I
thought you had finally "learned" but most of that hurt came back with
my phone call to you this week. I am selfish for writing this to you,
because I am doing it for my own health. I just had to tell someone
how it felt... and how it feels all over again.
Dad, I wish you the best- if I don't then it would mean I am not
taking the necessary steps forward for myself.
